Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Living Liars

You've been walking around all day handing in applications to places that sigh and shake their heads and say they will take it but there are about 200 applications in front of you, and you're depressed out of a job, you're running out of gas and the bills are due. Then you see this wallet on the left on the ground and your jaw drops you sprint in slow motion, and it's perfect there is no one around and it might just be the thing you need to make the day not a total loss. You rip it open and inside you find...


1. If this was a real wallet, packed with real money, would you: A. Keep it? B. Take it to the police? C. Give some of the money to the poor? A and C are the same thing in your case, where is the option for strangle who ever left it there?

2. You have been underpaid for years. There’s a BIG mistake in your paycheck to your advantage, would you: A. Tell the boss? B. Keep quiet? C. Give some to a church? Why would you ever give anything to a church? The boss is skimming off the top anyways, which is why you had to take a paycut and then eventualy were laid off. Looks to me like this multiple choice needs a D. None of the above!

3. If telling a white lie would save a friend’s job, would you: A. Tell the truth? B. Act dumb? C. Lie? Only assholes would fuck their friends, besides it matters what kind of job it is, if it's a large corporate entity that can fire you at the drop of a hat then yes I will lie full out to them to help a friend, BECAUSE I'M NOT AN ASSHOLE!

4. Do you consider yourself to be a "good" person? A. Yes. B. No. Better than the assholes that leave fake money laying around deceiving people and pretending it's clever and going to convince anyone. Better than the assholes that spent 12 dollars paying for that fake wallet instead of just leaving 12 dollars out to actually help someone.

5. Have you ever told a lie for any reason (including "fibs" and "white" lies--be honest)? A. Yes. B. No. No, Prove me fucking wrong asshole!

6. Have you ever stolen something--irrespective of its value (listen to your conscience)? A. Yes. B. No. Yes, and I will do it again, and I will not bat a fucking eyelash, and if I knew where Ray Comfort lived I would fucking mugg him daily!

7. Would you consider a person who admits that they are a liar and a thief, to be a "good" person? Is Ted Stevens a good person? Is Ted Haggard a good person? How about Tammy Faye Baker? I'm a better person than the asshole that came up with this deceptive questionnaire!

8. Who do you think will enter Heaven? A. Those who say they are good when they are not? B. Liars and thieves? C. Those whom God has forgiven and cleansed of sin? Well no one will because there is no heaven, prove me wrong asshat! The premise of this whole question is so flawed it hurts.

9. Did you realize that the Bible warns that thieves, liars, fornicators (those who have had sex out of marriage), idolaters (those who create a god to suit themselves), adulterers, and the covetous (the greedy), will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven? Oh no, what ever shall I do, I think I'm going to go on with my life as if this information is completely made up bullshit, unless you can present me with some evidence to the contrary. Oh wait you can't I just need faith, hmm well here's a cup and it contains a drink, sure it smells like human feces and piss but you gotta have faith that I would never give you my own waste to drink, trust me!

10. Did you also realize that the Bible says that if you look with lust, you commit adultery in your heart? Holy Shit On Judgment Day every sin you have ever committed (even secret sins) OH POOP will come out as evidence of your guilt. When you stand before your holy Creator on Judgment Day, will you be innocent or guilty of breaking His Commandments? I'm seriously worried now that all this hard evidence has been provided. Will you go to Heaven or Hell (there is no such place as Purgatory)? Please, let go of your self-righteousness (saying that you are good when you are not). So I'm a bad person because I don't believe in sky daddies but you are a good person because you lie to people to bring them to your lord of asshole? Instead put your faith in Jesus Christ. Who? He suffered and died on the Cross, taking the punishment for all of your sins. Oh right that guy, you know the guy that knew he would not die and so he had nothing to worry about, yeah that's a sacrifice alright, very noble. God loves you so much He sent His Son to die in your place. Really, cus I still am going to die, maybe it didn't work, because people die everyday, those with faith and those without. Then Jesus rose from the dead and defeated death. It seems like there would be way more people here? If you will repent and trust Him, God will forgive your sins and give you everlasting life. Oh I get it, I will die just you know afterward my soul will fly up to heaven and I will live there playing harps and sucking back church approved beverages. Death will lose its sting! Without fear and pain you learn nothing and nothing is important and you loose your drive. Nothing is as important as your eternal salvation, so pray something like this right now (you may not have tomorrow): "Dear God, I have sinned against you. I beg to differ, for example, not living is self deceit is more important than just lying continuously. I now turn from all sin and trust Jesus Christ alone as my Lord and Savior. I will read Your Word daily and obey what I read. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen." Nah I'm busy trying to be a better person, rather than just saying magick words and sucking back faith juice till I expire and go nowhere.