Saturday, May 9, 2009

Why beating your children may be the right thing to do!

This is what the bible suggests, though I feel it is less a literal suggestion and more of a vague idea, for example I'm quite convinced that using my fists imparts wisdom, or perhaps a shock collar, but most importantly it is that when you use the figurative "rod of correction" you do it to impart wisdom.

Let's say your child comes home and says mom look I stole this candy bar, at this point you are obliged to ask was it wal-mart, if the answer is no, then the correction can begin.

You're child is a teenager and they say, hey mom I had unprotected sex because condoms spread AIDS just like the Pope and Abstinence only education tells me and I want to procreate even though I am still reliant upon you fully. Here if your child is a boy, you are allowed to castrate him to impart wisdom, if your child is a girl you are allowed hit her in the face with a pan and when she wakes up, tell her that you have relocated to a less stupid state.

Now it's important to impart this wisdom before they grow up and decide that they should join the military during a time of an illegal proxy war. Unfortunately if you haven't corrected them by this point it may be out of your hands and you may find your little bundle of joy on TV literally on a military evangelical color coded crusade, to get more people to watch the Left Behind movies without throwing up fecal deposits, in the direction of Ray Comforts shit stained upper lip (he claims is a mustache).

We hunt people for jesus, we do, we hunt them down, get the hound of heaven after them, so we get them in the kingdom, right?, that's what we do, that's our business - LT Colonel Gary Hensley


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