Monday, December 10, 2012

Smorgasbord of Shit

Let’s talk why music and advertising are the best of friends, just like bagels and creamed corn, Jews and Palestine, and Klondike bars and bears.

You see long time ago music was just something people did because they knew they could make lots of money doing it. Sure their parents might have sung to them at night as some sort of archaic ritual or even at holidays, but by the time young Elvis came around he knew he wanted to sing to make lots of money.  The same could be said for other Elvis peers like Bukka White, Geeshie Wiley, and David "Honeyboy" Edwards. Obviously not all of these people made it to the big time, but one of them probably did, as some sort of background music for a product in a 30 second spot before another episode of Two and Half Men. This is your goal unless you are stupid.

The key here is that when composing music one should always think about what’s most important.  Sure in interviews lots of artists may say that Bitches are the most important, but Bitches aren’t cheap and so we once again come to our old friend, Mr. Bling. You see even if you don’t have money, the key is to pretend you do by using plastic jewelry and replacing it as you become more successful with high-class 14-karat stuff.  The illusion of money attracts real money, which is why an expensive cell phone is the best way to attract an even more expensive phone that does even more for you.  It doesn’t even matter if it can do the only thing it’s supposed to, the key is that you use it often and that people see you use it.

Writing songs is a byproduct of getting rich, the more money you have the mo problems, thus you have more to complain about and today with the aid of GarageBand you can capture your wisdom right at it’s apex.  Great way to attract money is pretending to be a stupid slut, for men this is classy, for women trashy, but either way it attracts eyes to your creative project.  For example I have a new album in progress, I know that using normal means of distribution through a label will net me lots of cash, but I want the respect due to someone on the edge, someone fighting the system. This strategy was drawn up by my label and I got the minimum amount of tattoo flair to excite the demographic that finds body art dangerous.  Now I have hired writers to come up with a tell all biography about my childhood growing up in a dangerous part of some town near where I grew up and my PR people are working on spreading rumors about a possible sex tape. The key is to get on the front page of tabloids, if I can get them to take pictures of me wearing nothing but a wife beater,  when I do my interview with O’Reilly or Carson Daly, I will have plenty of indignation to go around.  The key as always is to pretend that the attention I’m getting is a burden.  In reality of course my album which has vague titles about love, freedom, and most importantly how I’m not a slut, is selling like, whatever it is that the poor trample each other to buy on Black Friday.

The key is to say you are an artist and soon you will be one, because labels are only the things that describe you to a world largely unconcerned with checking facts.

This philosophical guide to success in life brought to you by,

The UN

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